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3 things to avoid when going through a divorce
Divorce is one of the most sensitive processes you will ever go through in life. Even the "slightest" or "harmless" decision can significantly change your experience. Thus, you should be cautious when getting a divorce.
Below are three things to avoid:
1. Badmouthing your soon-to-be ex-spouse
Talking negatively about your spouse to your children and others can disadvantage you. Firstly, badmouthing the other parent can change how your kids view them – your children may not want to spend time with them.
Further, if the other parent informs the court you are badmouthing them to the kids, it may view your actions as parental alienation. Consequently, it may make custody orders in favor of the other parent.
Besides, badmouthing your soon-to-be ex-spouse can complicate your divorce, as they may refuse to cooperate. You want to be on the same page with your spouse to achieve a seamless process.
2. Blaming your spouse for the divorce
Regardless of your spouse’s actions that may have led to the divorce, you should avoid blaming them. Acknowledge what they did and then accept your decision to dissolve the marriage. If you keep blaming your spouse, you may have a challenging time rebuilding your life.
6 tips for telling your kids about divorce
Your children may be surprised to hear that you are getting a divorce, but they do need to find out at some point. If they are still minor children who live at home, the way that this conversation goes can really help define how they view the news and how they react to it.
But many parents have never been through this divorce process before. You may find yourself unsure how to bring it up or what you need to say. You don’t want to make a mistake that will make this harder for your children. How do you broach the subject effectively and compassionately?
These tips can help
Every situation is unique, but the following tips can help you ensure that this conversation goes well:
- Try to maintain any standing schedules or routines. This gives the kids a greater sense of stability and comfort.
- Tell the children together so that they find out from you and your ex, at the same time, rather than from someone else.
- Stress to the children that the divorce is not their fault. Children often struggle with guilt, which you can help them avoid.
3 options for your home during divorce
Your marital home is likely one of the most expensive assets you own. It’s also probably one of the most sentimental assets. If you’re going through a divorce, those two factors can often play a major role in the property division process.
Regardless of what’s going to be done with the marital home, there are a few things to think about. For example, you need to have the home appraised to determine what the fair market value is. This should be done by someone who’s a neutral party without ties to you or your ex. From there, you and your ex can determine what to do with the home.
Sell the home
Selling the home enables both parties to start fresh. The balance of the mortgage and all other expenses that are due for the home must be paid first. Once that’s done, you and your ex can split any profit remaining.
Buyout
One party may opt to buy out the other party’s portion of the home’s equity. This can be done through cash or a transfer of assets. Whichever person is keeping the home will need to obtain a mortgage in their own name.
Why mediate your divorce?
Divorce has traditionally been viewed as a legal battle. Nonetheless, this perception is starting to shift. The truth is that there are no winners in a highly contested divorce. Litigation can go on for months and even years, with costs mounting up to tens of thousands of dollars or more.
Collaborative law and mediation have become much more popular for divorcing couples. These methods offer a much more peaceful approach. What are some further advantages of divorce mediation?
It costs a lot less
The average cost of divorce in the U.S. is $15,000- $20,000. This amount can soon double or triple if the divorce goes on for several months or years. Mediation, on the other hand, is usually much quicker. This means it has the added bonus of being cheaper. The exact cost of mediation varies depending on the circumstances of the divorce. However, couples can definitely expect to save a significant amount of money.
It’s more private
A litigated divorce generally becomes a matter of public record. If someone wants to, they can eventually look up the details. Mediation is different. Generally, the only parties who have access to information about the case are the spouses, mediators, representatives and the court. Mediated cases can usually be settled with little court interference and they are typically kept out of the public eye.
What’s the difference between legal and physical custody?
All divorces have their specific touchpoints and areas of concern – but divorces between the parents of minor children can become especially contentious when custody is an issue.
Ideally, the courts always hope that divorcing parents will put aside their differences and manage to hash out a custody arrangement that prioritizes the best interests of the children – without going through litigation. To do that, however, parents first need to understand how custody actually works.
Parental rights are far more complicated than most people realize
Virginia (as well as most other states) recognizes two different types of custody involving minor children: physical and legal custody.
Physical custody is sometimes called "parenting time," and refers to the amount of time the child lives with each parent. It’s not unusual to have parents share physical custody more or less evenly, with the children rotating between homes every other week.
However, it’s also not uncommon for parents to divide physical custody in other ways. For example, one parent may have the children every weekday during the school year, while the other parent gets physical custody of the children on the weekends and during summer vacation. Virtually any parenting time split is possible, including sole physical custody.
Are you divorcing a narcissist?
Dealing with a narcissistic spouse can make divorce even more challenging. Narcissists are known for their desire for control, their lack of empathy and their penchant for manipulation, which can significantly complicate the divorce process.
During the divorce process, understanding what to expect from your narcissistic spouse can help reduce some of the stress you may experience. Remember that there is no quick and simple way to negotiate with someone who has narcissistic traits.
Tips for divorcing a narcissist
Divorcing a narcissist can be done without further damaging your well-being if you follow these tips:
- Select a strong representative who will resist your spouse’s manipulation. You need someone who will go the extra mile for you. They should have experience dealing with narcissists who tend to be controlling and, at times, illogical.
- Record everything. Save copies of important documents, emails and messages related to specific situations that affected your marriage. Having evidence and witnesses can be very helpful in proving your case.
How to effectively manage co-parenting
Co-parenting can be a complex and emotionally charged experience, yet it’s often crucial for children’s well-being. Effective co-parenting may be essential when parents separate or divorce. This can help ensure that children continue to feel secure, loved and supported by their parents.
A study by Ohio State University, recorded by Science Daily, showed that parents’ co-parenting attitude affects their children’s behavior. The following are three steps to effectively manage co-parenting in ways that can benefit your kids, if you and your ex are no longer together.
Maintain open and respectful communication
It is important to discuss and agree upon major decisions concerning the child’s upbringing, such as:
- Education
- Health care
- Extracurricular activities
Regular check-ins can help both parents stay informed and involved. When communicating, it’s good to keep conversations child-focused and conflict-free. Utilizing tools like shared calendars and parenting apps can also help keep both parents on the same page and organized.
Can you keep your ex’s retirement benefits?
Your spouse has long been the main breadwinner for you as a couple. One thing that they have been earning is a pension plan or an employer-sponsored retirement plan. It’s a substantial plan, so you haven’t put aside any money of your own to retire. You are counting on using your spouse’s benefits, and the future seems secure.
However, your spouse has recently told you that they would like to get a divorce. You know that this means you’re going to have to split up the financial assets that you own currently, but you’re also worried about the future. Your spouse isn’t in possession of their pension plan or retirement plan yet, so are you going to lose access to it? Does this mean that you suddenly can’t retire as you planned and you have no personal assets to do so?
Using a qualified domestic relations order
This can get complicated, but there is a solution: A qualified domestic relations order (QDRO). This is a form that can be used during a divorce, and the court issues an order dividing the retirement benefits for the future.
If you get divorced, do you have to pay your ex’s student loans?
For many young couples in America, student loans are a significant part of their debt portfolio. Most students have to take out significant loans to get a degree, and they could owe over $100,000 when they’re done.
When these couples get divorced, then, they are naturally curious about who has to take on this debt. If your spouse is in school and taking out more student loans every year, are you still going to be responsible for them even if you ask for a divorce? Could you theoretically spend years paying for the education of someone you’re no longer married to?
When were the loans obtained?
The big question is often whether or not the loans were obtained during the marriage or prior to it.
For example, perhaps both you and your spouse met in college. You’d already taken out student loans and you got married after graduation. Each of you would usually just keep your own student loans after the divorce, and you would not have to worry about the other person’s obligations.
Divorce considerations when you have a child with disabilities
Divorce is a complex process under any circumstances, but it becomes even more intricate when a child with disabilities is involved. The emotional toll can be immense, and additional legal and financial considerations to the mix makes for an overwhelming combination.
If you’re considering divorce as a parent to a differently abled child, it can help to identify the key issues you should address to help ensure their well-being in order to get started.
Financial planning and child support
The financial needs of a disabled child often extend far beyond the needs of the majority. Therefore, child support calculations must account for these long-term expenses, which may include therapies, medications, specialized equipment and future residential care.
Custody and guardianship
Determining custody arrangements requires careful consideration of the child’s specific needs and each parent’s ability to provide care. Joint custody with a detailed schedule for medical appointments, therapies and other essential routines is often favored. However, some situations may necessitate sole custody for the parent who has been the primary caregiver.
A New Beginning for You and Your Family
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Located in Reston, VA, Nicole M. Burns, Attorney at Law represents individuals and families throughout the area, including Annandale, Arlington, Ashburn, Bristow, Broadlands, Burke, Centreville, Chantilly, Dale City, Dumfries, Dulles, Fairfax, Falls Church, Gainesville, Great Falls, Haymarket, Herndon, Lake Ridge, Leesburg, Manassas, McLean, Montclair, Nokesville, Oakton, Potomac Falls, Sterling, Tysons Corner, Vienna, Woodbridge, Fairfax County, Loudoun County, Prince William County, and Arlington County.
