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Two important considerations when divorcing over the age of 50
Couples often envision growing old together as a harmonious journey, sharing both life’s highs and the inevitable lows. However, for some, the golden years bring about a stark realization: it is best to walk the path forward separately. When children are grown and the distractions of raising a family fade, these couples are left to face an uncomfortable truth — that they no longer share the same interests and goals.
This scenario is becoming increasingly common, prompting many to consider a "gray divorce." Divorcing after the age of fifty comes with unique challenges. Two of the most common are financial and the impact on adult children.
#1: Financial considerations when wealth is established
Divorcing later in life often means that the financial stakes are higher, as couples may have accumulated significant assets or may be nearing retirement. Important financial considerations at this stage in life could include:
- Retirement funds and pensions: Understand how these will be affected and divided. Legal mechanisms like Qualified Domestic Relations Orders may be necessary.
Protecting your privacy during divorce
For the most part, information shared in court proceedings is publicly accessible- and this includes divorce cases. This can be stressful for divorcing couples, and they may feel like their privacy has been invaded on top of all the other stress.
Fortunately, there are ways to protect your privacy during divorce. Here are a few things to consider.
Reaching out-of-court agreements
Divorcing couples aren’t obliged to fight out every aspect of their divorce in court. Negotiations can be held outside of court, and the judge can sign off on these agreements if they are lawful. The less time you spend in court hearings, the greater your chances are that your information will remain private.
In fact, divorcing couples may opt to go one step further and not hold any of the proceedings in court. Mediation and other collaborative methods allow the entire divorce to take place outside of court. Sessions are held in a much less formal setting, with only the spouses, legal teams and mediators having access to sensitive information.
2 things divorce will affect that you might not have considered
Getting divorced will affect your life in many ways. You likely already know that it will affect your finances, your legal and tax status and your time with your children – if you have any.
Here are a couple of other things divorce will affect that you might not have thought about much yet.
1. The circles you keep
Divorce is as good a time as any to review your other relationships. Unless you and your spouse are separating on fantastic terms, you should accept that some social relationships will change.
Some of the circles you moved in may be more your spouses than yours so remaining part of them might no longer be an option. You might find that you only really connected with one or two people in that group and can continue seeing each other outside of the larger group events. Other groups may no longer be an option for either of you, as they are very much couples only.
Divorce could also be an opportunity to rekindle relationships that have dwindled over the years or to even create new ones.
Preparing your child to testify at a custody hearing
When a custody dispute reaches the point where a child may need to testify, it can be a stressful and emotional experience for both the child and their parents. In Virginia, a child’s testimony may play a role in custody decisions, particularly if the court believes that the child is mature enough to express their preferences and opinions and/or there are concerns about one parent’s alleged neglect and/or abuse.
If your child is going to testify at a custody hearing in the near future, there are ways that you can help them to prepare and to manage any stress that they may be feeling about this process. The following are a few tips that can help to get you started. Your legal team may also have more personalized guidance from which you and your child can benefit.
Keep your approach age-appropriate
It’s important to talk to your child about the custody hearing in a way that is appropriate for their age and level of understanding. Explain that the judge will want to hear their thoughts, but reassure them that the court will ultimately make decisions in their best interest. Avoid putting pressure on your child or making them feel like they have to choose between parents. Let them know that they are not responsible for the outcome.
Considering nesting? Avoid these pitfalls
Also known as bird-nesting or shuttle parenting, this co-parenting arrangement involves children staying in the family home while parents rotate in and out. While nesting may be an option for divorced parents who want to maintain stability for their children, it requires careful planning and commitment from both parties.
However, nesting comes with its share of challenges. Before diving in, watch out for these common pitfalls that can make or break the arrangement.
Fighting with co-parent
After divorce, most ex-spouses hardly see eye to eye, and nesting can intensify tensions if not properly managed. Sharing the same space, even at different times, can lead to disagreements over household upkeep, scheduling and parenting decisions. Without a solid plan for resolving conflicts, small issues can escalate quickly, putting added stress on both parents and children.
Communication breakdowns
Effective communication is key to making shuttle parenting work. If parents aren’t regularly checking in with each other about schedules, household duties or their children’s needs, misunderstandings are bound to happen. Over time, communication breakdowns can lead to frustration, misaligned priorities and a breakdown of the arrangement altogether.
3 things to avoid when going through a divorce
Divorce is one of the most sensitive processes you will ever go through in life. Even the "slightest" or "harmless" decision can significantly change your experience. Thus, you should be cautious when getting a divorce.
Below are three things to avoid:
1. Badmouthing your soon-to-be ex-spouse
Talking negatively about your spouse to your children and others can disadvantage you. Firstly, badmouthing the other parent can change how your kids view them – your children may not want to spend time with them.
Further, if the other parent informs the court you are badmouthing them to the kids, it may view your actions as parental alienation. Consequently, it may make custody orders in favor of the other parent.
Besides, badmouthing your soon-to-be ex-spouse can complicate your divorce, as they may refuse to cooperate. You want to be on the same page with your spouse to achieve a seamless process.
2. Blaming your spouse for the divorce
Regardless of your spouse’s actions that may have led to the divorce, you should avoid blaming them. Acknowledge what they did and then accept your decision to dissolve the marriage. If you keep blaming your spouse, you may have a challenging time rebuilding your life.
6 tips for telling your kids about divorce
Your children may be surprised to hear that you are getting a divorce, but they do need to find out at some point. If they are still minor children who live at home, the way that this conversation goes can really help define how they view the news and how they react to it.
But many parents have never been through this divorce process before. You may find yourself unsure how to bring it up or what you need to say. You don’t want to make a mistake that will make this harder for your children. How do you broach the subject effectively and compassionately?
These tips can help
Every situation is unique, but the following tips can help you ensure that this conversation goes well:
- Try to maintain any standing schedules or routines. This gives the kids a greater sense of stability and comfort.
- Tell the children together so that they find out from you and your ex, at the same time, rather than from someone else.
- Stress to the children that the divorce is not their fault. Children often struggle with guilt, which you can help them avoid.
3 options for your home during divorce
Your marital home is likely one of the most expensive assets you own. It’s also probably one of the most sentimental assets. If you’re going through a divorce, those two factors can often play a major role in the property division process.
Regardless of what’s going to be done with the marital home, there are a few things to think about. For example, you need to have the home appraised to determine what the fair market value is. This should be done by someone who’s a neutral party without ties to you or your ex. From there, you and your ex can determine what to do with the home.
Sell the home
Selling the home enables both parties to start fresh. The balance of the mortgage and all other expenses that are due for the home must be paid first. Once that’s done, you and your ex can split any profit remaining.
Buyout
One party may opt to buy out the other party’s portion of the home’s equity. This can be done through cash or a transfer of assets. Whichever person is keeping the home will need to obtain a mortgage in their own name.
Why mediate your divorce?
Divorce has traditionally been viewed as a legal battle. Nonetheless, this perception is starting to shift. The truth is that there are no winners in a highly contested divorce. Litigation can go on for months and even years, with costs mounting up to tens of thousands of dollars or more.
Collaborative law and mediation have become much more popular for divorcing couples. These methods offer a much more peaceful approach. What are some further advantages of divorce mediation?
It costs a lot less
The average cost of divorce in the U.S. is $15,000- $20,000. This amount can soon double or triple if the divorce goes on for several months or years. Mediation, on the other hand, is usually much quicker. This means it has the added bonus of being cheaper. The exact cost of mediation varies depending on the circumstances of the divorce. However, couples can definitely expect to save a significant amount of money.
It’s more private
A litigated divorce generally becomes a matter of public record. If someone wants to, they can eventually look up the details. Mediation is different. Generally, the only parties who have access to information about the case are the spouses, mediators, representatives and the court. Mediated cases can usually be settled with little court interference and they are typically kept out of the public eye.
What’s the difference between legal and physical custody?
All divorces have their specific touchpoints and areas of concern – but divorces between the parents of minor children can become especially contentious when custody is an issue.
Ideally, the courts always hope that divorcing parents will put aside their differences and manage to hash out a custody arrangement that prioritizes the best interests of the children – without going through litigation. To do that, however, parents first need to understand how custody actually works.
Parental rights are far more complicated than most people realize
Virginia (as well as most other states) recognizes two different types of custody involving minor children: physical and legal custody.
Physical custody is sometimes called "parenting time," and refers to the amount of time the child lives with each parent. It’s not unusual to have parents share physical custody more or less evenly, with the children rotating between homes every other week.
However, it’s also not uncommon for parents to divide physical custody in other ways. For example, one parent may have the children every weekday during the school year, while the other parent gets physical custody of the children on the weekends and during summer vacation. Virtually any parenting time split is possible, including sole physical custody.
A New Beginning for You and Your Family
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Located in Reston, VA, Nicole M. Burns, Attorney at Law represents individuals and families throughout the area, including Annandale, Arlington, Ashburn, Bristow, Broadlands, Burke, Centreville, Chantilly, Dale City, Dumfries, Dulles, Fairfax, Falls Church, Gainesville, Great Falls, Haymarket, Herndon, Lake Ridge, Leesburg, Manassas, McLean, Montclair, Nokesville, Oakton, Potomac Falls, Sterling, Tysons Corner, Vienna, Woodbridge, Fairfax County, Loudoun County, Prince William County, and Arlington County.
